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Click on the airline topic
that you'd like to laugh about:
| Safety Demo Announcements | Checked Luggage | Blonde Passenger |
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JOKE#1 Safety
Demo Announcement 
Of course I would never not follow
the FAA guidelines for safety announcements, however on occasion,
other airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I
am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" |
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5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell, everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none
of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach,
the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your
seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane
to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we
shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that.""Why not? You did it last time!"
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section. The stewardess tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co- pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move. The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of
the plane."I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to
die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on
this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black hair
and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt
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.......one button at a time.
........No one moves. ........He removes his shirt.
.......and whispers: ......."Iron this." |
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United Gate Agent
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am? "Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate. " With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"
The cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who
was just obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super.On his trip back up
the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you
didn't hear me over those big brut engines. I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground. She calmly turned her
head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess". I take orders from
no one. To which the male flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Put the tray table up, Bitch"
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